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The Fucking Machine Buyers Guide

Well if you are reading this then you are obviously interested in Fucking Machine Fun. I thought that I should put some of my thoughts and advice down on my blog to try to help guide anyone looking to buy their own Fucking Machine. Whilst I do indeed sell the F-Machine Pro myself it is by no means the only Fucking Machine on the market and from a purchasers prospective it can be a very confusing choice as to which to get.

The Basics

So what is a Fucking Machine? Put simply it does what its name suggests, it turns electrical energy in linear motion (that's the science bit out of the way) oh yes and it usually carries a dildo or Fleshlight so that it can Fuck you. You should be thinking about such things as length of thrust (how deeply it can fuck you), its speed (how fast it can fuck you), can the speed be varied, can the length of thrust be varied the list goes on and on.

Useful Questions

As I have just touched upon, buying a Fucking Machine raises a number of questions and some of them are listed below. You should consider each one and how the different machines on the market answer them. So without further ado here is a list of questions, no doubt you will be able to come up with a few of your own but these will get you thinking about the machines performance:

  1. How fast can it go?- Now lets face it, I doubt you are buying a Fucking Machine so that you can spend all day building up to an orgasm and so speed is important.
  2. How deeply can it go?- This is a very important question and it really does affect performance not just in depth of stroke but it will also affect the speed of the machine. Let me explain, when the machine is fucking you the orifice that it is going in and out of will be applying resistance to the dildo, the longer that it has to travel in each stroke, the more resistance will have to be overcome and the motor will have to work harder. A fucking machine set to a long stroke will cycle much more slowly on its fastest setting than when it is set for a short stroke.
  3. What positions can it be used in?- You want, no, you need a machine that can be set at different heights and angles to allow for comfortable penetration in a range of sexual positions.
  4. Safety?- You should think long and hard about safety. There is a story going round the internet about a woman who was rushed into A&E because her husband had experimented with a reciprocating saw with a dildo slid over the saws blade. Now the astute readers out there might already be cringing imagining what was about to happen when he inserted it into her pussy and switched it on. The blade ate through the dildo before continuing its way through her vaginal walls. A horrible story but it does illustrate a point, be sensible when you consider sticking anything into or over your family jewels. Don't convert power tools, they are great at doing what they were designed to do but are a recipe for disaster in bed. Make sure that the machine you are interested has passed the relevant safety tests, in the UK it should carry the kite mark or be CE approved.
  5. How easy is it to adjust?- You want a machine that is easy to adjust in terms of stroke length and speed without the need for tools or having long gaps in your playtime, causing you to lose the moment.
  6. What dildos/attachments can it take?- You need a machine that will accept a wide range of dildos or attachments. I have found that any machine with a vac-u-lock end (google it) is great as the choice of dildos is huge. Stay away from machines that tie you into using one attachment of having to get a special one from the manufacturer as this will limit your choices and ultimately be very expensive. The sybian is a classic example of this, it's an amazing machine but the attachments are very expensive and only made by the manufacturer, so your choices are limited (amazing machine though).
  7. How fast can I change attachments? - I have seen machines where you actually need tools to change the attachments, not good if you are in thr throes of passion and so I would recommend a machine with a quick release system such as the vac-u-lock system.
  8. Ease of cleaning and what are its main materials?- It's a fucking machine, it is going to get messy. You will need to clean it between uses and so you want something that is made out of materials that are easy to keep clean such as non rusting metals (aluminium and stainless steel) and plastics.
  9. Where can I use it?- Sounds like a daft question but it isn't, you can get machines that are big and floor mounted and this will limit where you can use them. How big is the power cord for instance.
  10. How am I going to store it?- Getting a fucking machine the size of a sofa might seem like a good idea but ask yourself what will you do with it between session on it. You will need to hide it away from prying eyes unless your are a pro-domme with a dungeon that is. Get something that is easy to collapse, fold down or strip for storage.
  11. How noisy is it?- An important consideration this one especially if you live in a flat or a house with thin walls. Something that sounds like a roadside jack-hammer probably isn't going to be good for you unless you are a screamer of course in which case the neighbours might relish the thought of something drowning out your orgasmic cries.
  12. How much does it cost?- I've put this last but it i still a very important question, these machines are not cheap by any stretch of the imagination so you need to make sure that you can justify buying one and more importantky can afford one. After all it is just a glorified dildo on the end of a mechanical partner, it might be cheaper to go out on the town and have a one night stand but then again you can't catch anything of a dildo (one you own I hasten to add).

What Next

Well if you have read this far there is obviously no hope for you as you must be seriously thinking about getting a Fucking Machine. If you are then I wish you all the best of orgasmic enjoyment with it and I hope that this post has helped you decide which model to get.


PS - Please use the comments form below as I would love to hear what you think of this post.

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